Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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