So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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