I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
