party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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