I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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