I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
