I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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