Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
