I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
