Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
