tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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