She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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