I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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