I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
