Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
