my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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