Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
