My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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