How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
