Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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