there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
