I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
