before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
