he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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