My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
