filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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