i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
