Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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