Jerry, you need to find god
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
