Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
