My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
