just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
