and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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