Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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