I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize