I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
