boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
