Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
