my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
