My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
