The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize