Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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