He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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