saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
