I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
