I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize