Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
