i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
