it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
