I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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