I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
