I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
