P.S. I can't hear my feet
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
