Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
