His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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