I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
