I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
