He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
